Friday Funnies for Caregivers

Friday, December 16, 2011

2011-12-16T08:01:00.000-08:00

The holiday season is always a busy one. I know this from trying to make plans with friends and realizing our schedules don't allow it until NEXT YEAR!

That is crazy! One, how did I become so busy? And two, is it really almost next year?

I can't believe another year has gone by and it's time to think about New Year's resolutions. I have the same one every year and it never fails me... I don't set one! I don't think I have ever known anyone that fulfills their resolution. I know... a bit of a negative Nancy when it comes to the topic.

So with that I give you a challenge... Make your resolution and come the end of January let me know if you are making progress or have in fact met your goal. Perhaps you will restore my faith that New Year's resolutions can be met. 2013 could be my year! I will be standing by.

Happy Friday!

Sara Payne
Sara@aQuiretraining.com

New diet plan...

My friend Kimberly announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.

"Good!" I exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first."

"Great!" she replied. "I'll ride with you."

Your resolution...

Quitting smoking...

Jack, at a New Year's party, turns to his friend, Harry, and asks for a cigarette.

"I thought you made a New Year's resolution to quit smoking," Harry responds.

"I am in the process of quitting," replies Jack with a grin. "Right now, I am in the middle of phase one."

"Phase one?" wonders Harry.

"Yeah," laughs Jack, "I have quit buying."

Random Fact...

The elephant is the only animal with 4 knees. Elephants are also the only mammals that can't jump.

This Weeks Quote...

"Making resolutions is a cleansing ritual of self assessment and repentance that demands personal honesty and, ultimately, reinforces humility. Breaking them is part of the cycle."

~ Eric Zorn

Friday, December 9, 2011

2011-12-09T08:13:00.001-08:00

One of my favorite parts of Christmas is hunting for the perfect tree. Sometimes this involves checking out more than one tree lot. Finding the right one is truly an art.

This year we decided to check out a new place that had ANY tree for only $10. There is a reason for that!

We decided to go back to our tried and true tree farm and once again we underestimated the size. When you are outside scoping out trees they don't look that big... get them inside and they are 3 times the size it seems!

Nevertheless we have an amazingly huge, beautiful tree and can't wait to get some shopping done to get presents under it. I still have two weeks left... plenty of time to start right?!

Happy Friday!

Sara Payne
Sara@aQuiretraining.com

An axe to grind...

A boy begs his father to get him a Christmas tree this year.

Each year, the boy asks and the father tells him, "I don't want to pay for it."

But the son kept begging. Unable to bear his son's whining, he picks up his axe one day and heads out of the house.

Thirty minutes later he returns with a great big Christmas tree.

"How did you cut it down so fast?" his son asks.

"I didn't cut it down," the father replies. "I got it at a tree lot."

"Then why did you bring an axe?"

"Because I didn't want to pay."

New dog bowl...

Top signs Santa is actually a woman...

Santa remembers it's Christmas. 'Nuf said.
Never explains what exactly you did to deserve that coal in your stocking; if you have to ask, maybe that's the problem!
A man simply would not care if you were naughty or nice.
Matching shoes and belt? Only a woman would accessorize a pantsuit like that!
No guy would ever name his animals Dancer and Prancer.

Random Fact...

Ostriches are often not taken seriously. They can run faster than horses, and the males can roar like lions.

This Weeks Quote...

"He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree."

~Roy L. Smith

Friday, December 2, 2011

2011-12-02T08:05:00.000-08:00

Last week we celebrated our niece's birthday. She turned 4 and couldn't be more excited to be a year older.

I love the glow of excitement a child gets when opening presents at that age. The present can be as simple as a stuffed animal that doubles as a pillow. Yes, I am talking about the Pillow Pet. I am simply baffled by this thing.

These "pets" are wanted by every child in America and EVERY store has them piled high at each register and 5 different locations around the store. Whoever invented this is a genius!

You can now buy mini Pillow Pets, matching blankets, hats and even slippers. These things are also not just for kids anymore... sports teams also have licensed Pillow Pets available!

I think I am in the wrong industry. I need to start inventing children's toys that double as useful household items.

Time to put my thinking cap on. I'll let you know when genius strikes!

Happy Friday!

Sara Payne
Sara@aQuiretraining.com

Toy Trains...

A few days after his birthday, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you jerks who want off, get the heck off now because this is the last stop.. All of you folks who are getting on, get your butts on the train now, because we're leaving."

The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you come down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language."

Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those just boarding, we ask you to stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip.

"For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the angry woman in the kitchen."

Facebook Surprise Party...

Wife's Birthday...

It's my wife's birthday tomorrow.

Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.

"Oh, I don't know," she said. "Just give me something with diamonds."

That's why I'm giving her a pack of playing cards.

Random Fact...

If there are 23 people in a room, there's a 50% chance that two of them will share a birthday (it's been proven mathematically).

This Weeks Quote...

"The difference between men and boys is the price of their toys."

~ Anonymous

Friday, November 25, 2011

2011-11-25T07:59:00.000-08:00

If you've been a Friday Funnies subscriber for very long you already know the significance that Thanksgiving has within my family. At the risk of being redundant and melancholy, I will again tell the story....

On Thanksgiving Day my family gathers at my parents' home. It is truly a holiday of traditions for us. My siblings, their children and significant others as well as my own grandchildren will arrive early afternoon, each bringing a contribution to the meal. Using several tables that stretch the length of the living room we will all sit and prior to beginning the feast each individual will state what they are thankful for. Then we eat and as soon as the last person has completed their meal everyone helps in clearing the table - children and adults alike are eager to make room for the second phase of traditions...

The Thanksgiving Day newspaper! There are at often three or four copies - and the Black Friday ads are quickly scattered. Small children are circling items with markers - adults are making shopping lists and mapping the route! We are thoughtful and strategic in our planning. Sharing of information is essential to the success of Black Friday; for example, if the desired item is a high demand, limited quantity electronic... we send in the 20-something runners. Us older, seasoned shoppers... we're happy to stand in line for kitchen wares!

It has become the Thanksgiving Day sport that bonds my family until around 11:00am on Friday. At that time we gather for breakfast, compliments of the matriarch (my mom) -- it is at this time we share success stories, missed opportunities, and the "Oh My Gosh you won't believe what I saw!"

I wish you the very best of traditions... new and old... Happy Thanksgiving to all... and if you are like me, a Black Friday shopper... stay outta my way! I'll be on a mission!

Happy Friday!

Wendy Finch
Wendy@aQuiretraining.com

Forgot the Turkey...

It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.

"Please let me in," says the man desperately. "I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one."

"Okay," says the butcher. "Let me see what I have left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.

"That's one is too skinny. What else you got?" says the man.

The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.

"Oh, no," says the man, "That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them!"

Black Friday...

Last weeks riddle answer...

Joy to the World
Little Drummer Boy
I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas
Deck the Halls
Winter Wonderland
Oh Christmas Tree
12 Days of Christmas
Oh Little Town of Bethlehem
Away in a Manger

This Weeks Quote...

"An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day."

~ Irv Kupcinet

Friday, November 18, 2011

2011-11-18T07:54:00.000-08:00

As much as I love Thanksgiving dinner I am ready to get straight to Christmas. There is just so much to look forward to during the holiday season!

I love hunting for just the right tree and who can forget about the office Christmas party where someone always drinks too much (hopefully not me this year), and last but not least snow days... when it is perfectly acceptable to add a little peppermint schnapps to your morning hot cocoa!

Cheers to the holidays!

Happy Friday!

Sara Payne
Sara@aQuiretraining.com

Christmas Prayers...

A few days before Christmas, two young brothers were spending the night at their grandparent's house. When it was time to go to bed, and anxious to do the right thing, they both knelt down to say their prayers.

Suddenly, the younger one began to do so in a very loud voice.

"Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a play-station, a mountain-bike and a telescope."

His older brother leaned over and nudged his brother and said,

"Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

"I know" he replied, "But Grandma is!"

Snowfall...

Christmas Carol Jumble...

Can you decipher these common Christmas Carols?

Happiness to the Global Ecosystem
Small male percussionist
I am experiencing nocturnal visions of a colorless holiday
Festoon the Corridors
A non-summer fairytale area
Oh holiday conifer
Ten plus two twenty-four hour periods of holiday festivity
Hey tiny city in Israel
In a remote location in a barn stall

This Weeks Quote...

"Christmas is the season when you buy this year's gifts with next year's money."

~ Author Unknown

Friday, November 11, 2011

2011-11-11T08:16:00.000-08:00

During a recent grandchild babysitting session I decided to make it a little educational. After mom and dad exited, I told the boys (ages 7 and 4) to get comfortable in a chair of their choosing as I was going to teach them the art of "visiting." They quickly complied and eager to learn "bisiting" as the four year old called it, I began with lesson number one. Each of us will ask one question of the other. This will start a conversation, and then we will all be talking about stuff and we will be "visiting."

"Rylen (4 years old), ask your brother a question... anything you want," I say. "Garret..." Rylen starts, "Why did you break my water gun?" Ok, so it was a question; of course as you can imagine it began a conversation that I couldn't exactly call "visiting." I decided to go next. Maybe they needed a good example to start the learning process. "Rylen," I began, "What is your favorite movie?" He not only told me his favorite movie but also why it was his favorite as did his brother. Alright, now we're cooking with gas! "Garret (7 years old) it's your turn," I instruct. "Grandma..." Garret says very seriously, "What kind of underwear do you have on?" Rylen immediately burst into laughter and quickly yells out, "I have Scooby doo!!!" Not only can I not compete with Scooby Doo - I have completely failed in teaching my grandchildren the art of "visiting."

Lesson learned? No more educational sessions... it's strictly free-for-all play and sugar cubes!

Happy Friday!

Wendy Finch
Wendy@aQuiretraining.com

The Museum...

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.

"This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?"

"No, madam," replied the attendant.

"That one's called a mirror."

Taking Turns...

Field Trip...

Little Tommy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want him very badly."

So Little Tommy asked, while tugging on the man's belt, "Um, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?"

This Weeks Quote...

"A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn't answer the phone."

~ Craig Kilborn

Friday, November 4, 2011

2011-11-04T07:45:00.000-07:00

I have become a bit of a technology junkie. Obviously in my job we use and promote technology every day. However, the last couple of years my interest, and let's face it, my dependency on technical gadgets has increased.

Most of the time these new toys and advancements improve my life... but there are those times I am reminded of their imperfections as well. It's really not the fault of modern technology that I have become so accustomed to remote entry to automobiles that I periodically attempt to use the "car clicker" to open my front door when returning home (oh...come on, tell me you've never done that before!).

I'm proud to say I have yet to try and open the car door with the garage door opener.

Then there is my frustration with my BFF the GPS! I fondly refer to this device as Betsy. Unfortunately even in best friend relationships things sometimes get a little heated. In fact, Betsy and I haven't spoke in over a week since she took me on a misguided tour of the Ozarks that resulted in an extra 2-1/2 hour drive time and the demise of two large rodents on an insane country back road.

It's all good! In the meantime - Email me! Facebook me! Tweet me! Text me! Or just simply enjoy the "funnies" below and enjoy your Friday!

Happy Friday!

Wendy Finch
Wendy@aQuiretraining.com

The Accident...

There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road.

The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control.

Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment, narrowly avoiding going over a cliff.

They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.

The manager said, "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."

The engineer said, "No, that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."

The programmer said, "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."

Technology Error...

This Weeks Quote...

"One day soon the Gillette company will announce the development of a razor that, thanks to a computer microchip, can actually travel ahead in time and shave beard hairs that don't even exist yet."

~ Dave Barry

Friday, October 28, 2011

2011-10-28T07:55:00.000-07:00

Ghosts & goblins... witches & cats... I don't know, I don't really get it. I've just never been creative enough to be really good at Halloween I guess.

My poor children... store bought plastic costumes with the exception of one year. I really believed I had what it would take to pull off an amazing home-made costume that would really make my family proud. My son wanted to be a smurf...my daughter a princess. Seriously...how hard is that?

Their father who was responsible for the neighborhood tour with the children (or as I called it... the begging hike), returned hours later to report that not one person could identify our son as a smurf.

"Did they give him the candy?" I asked.

"Probably more than most kids because they felt sorry for him," he answered.

"Then that makes me a genius!"

I celebrated with a few air high fives and an unidentifiable dance that prompted my family to make a fast exit and review, sort, and sample their buckets of treats!

Proves my point...if you can't win with pride...go for pity!

Happy Halloween!

Happy Friday!
Wendy
Wendy@aQuiretraining.com

Halloween Delivery...

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.

I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat. I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."

The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"

Carving Pumpkins...

Twick or Tweat...

One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.

She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, "what are you supposed to say sweetheart?"

The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!"

The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman says to the child, "Go ahead, honey, say it just one more time."

Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"

The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.

The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my darn cookies!"

Last week's riddle answer:

There were 28 wizards and 35 cats!

This Weeks Quote...

"A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween."

~Erma Bombeck