Friday, November 6, 2009

As I am sitting at my desk pondering what to work on yesterday, I realize its Thursday... and Wendy is on vacation! Now, does one assume it is coincidence, or by design?

As Friday Funnies is consistently built on Thursday, one would wonder!

Happy Friday!

Sara Jackson
Sara@aQuiretraining.com

I grant you one wish...

Better off last...

A secretary, a paralegal, and a partner in a big law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," the Genie says to the partner. The partner says, "I want those two back in the office right after lunch."

Hawaii...

Walking along the beach, a man found a bottle and opened it.
A genie appeared and said, "For setting me free, I will grant you one wish."

The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. I'm afraid that's virtually impossible."

The man then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women."

The genie considered this for a minute and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

This Weeks Quote...

It's all part and parcel, the whole "genie gig". PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWERS! Itty-bitty living space!

~Genie - Aladdin

Friday, October 30, 2009

Here is my Halloween Treat for you!

On Halloween I'll wear a sheet,
To scare the people that I meet.
All covered up from head to toe,
Even my friends will never know!

Happy Friday!

Wendy Finch
Wendy@EasyCEU.com

Kissing a Cabbie...

A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. But first, you have to be single and you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull off to the side of the road, "maybe we will see what we can do."

The nun plants a whopper of a kiss on the cabbie! But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Trick 'r Treat...


The Bloody Bat...

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began pestering him about where he got it.

He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest
full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"

This Weeks Quote...
"I'll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween."
~Author Unknown

Friday, October 23, 2009

I have discovered that the cold & flu germ can actually infect your humor gene. A week of coughing, sneezing, body aches and sleepless nights can in fact suck the humor right out of you!

Thank goodness for the amazing team I work with and especially to Sara who made sure the laughter must go on by preparing this weeks edition.

Happy Friday!

Wendy Finch
Wendy@EasyCEU.com

Lie Detector

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.

Tommy was over 2 hours late..

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha..

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sexy Ladies."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy..

After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

Poor Pinocchio...

One fine day...
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, gripe or lie...

( That would be me )

But that was a long time ago and it was just that one day.

The End

This Weeks Quote...

If you do not wish to be lied to, do not ask questions. If there were no questions, there would be no lies.

~B. Traven

Friday, October 9, 2009

You probably have noticed Friday Funnies got a make-over. The bottom line is when you cease to be funny - you loose editing privileges. It's similar to being a stand up comic and having hecklers in the crowd I suppose. Yes, I work with a bunch of critics who don't understand its not easy to be funny on demand.

For example, I was advised to write an introduction around my recent trip to Arizona. First of all it was a business trip for which I had to be at the airport at 6:00 AM! Secondly, I was traveling with the companies President/CEO. Seriously, what is funny about that?

I don't care how much talent a person has, you can not convert a 48 hour business trip with your boss to a part of the country where you have a climate change of 40 degrees in 3 hours into humor.

It was even less humorous to remember the next morning that during "free" happy hour I spilled my guts regarding my personal life to the Commander and Chief, who without hesitation apparently shared the information with her husband and business partner! I'll admit, I was a little surprised to open my paycheck and see a post-it note that read, "You did what?!?!"

Happy Friday!

Wendy Finch
Wendy@EasyCEU.com

Charter Plane

His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is. .. you're NOT my flight instructor?'

Not everyone should be a pilot...

Hot Coffee

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.

Now sit back and relax - OH, CRAP!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

This Weeks Quote...

When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.

~Susan Heller

Friday, October 2, 2009

Having recently reconnected with a dear friend from my days of managing an alzheimer's assisted living facility, I have been reflecting on the training program we used, you know back in the 90's.

In order to get staff to attend in-service meetings so we could meet our very loose training mandates we would literally hold their paychecks hostage. Require them to sit through a lecture that if they'd been there more then 6 months they've heard before, and our focus was not really on learning but compliance.

When I talk to Administrators and Nurses about their training programs and they explain a program similar to what I was once doing, I ask, "how long have you been training this way?"

"Oh gosh " one women explained, "since as long as I can remember, it's just the way we've always done it."

I'd like to propose a question to you. What other practices in senior care or business in general are we still operating a program as we did in 1960? Kind of funny isn't it?

Would you like to try online training for YOUR staff for FREE? Call or email me - as they say in the infomercials, operators standing by. Well, we really don't have operators standing by - but I am so call me and let's discuss an affordable plan for you! 877-843-8374

Happy Friday!

Wendy Finch
Wendy@EasyCEU.com

What is the meaning of this?

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office.

"What is the meaning of this?" the director asked.

"When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."

"Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

Typical Management Action (TMA): The Canoe Race

A Japanese Company and a California Company decided to have a canoe race on the Columbia River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. Afterwards, the California team became very discouraged and depressed. The management of the California company decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "Measurement Team" made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was that the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the Californians had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. The Management of the California company hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing. To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program", with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program."

The next year the Japanese won by 2 miles. Humiliated, the management of the California company laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles and canceled all capital investments for new equipment.

Then they used the money saved by giving a High Performance Award to the steering managers and distributed the rest of the money as bonuses to the senior executives.

Friday, September 18, 2009

As we've discussed in earlier editions, I am not a "pet person" - this does not mean I dislike domestic animals, it merely means they're not for me. So with that being said, I ask you - why is other peoples animals drawn to me? I walk in the door and they're at me feet begging for attention, affection, any kind of acknowledgments. In order to not look like a complete snob, I must pretend to like the little creature. Lightly petting it or talking to it in a child like language.

Don't make this mistake! For the remainder of your visit this fur ball will be your best friend. Circling you, jumping into your lap, and yes when you least expect it this hyped up animal who thinks it's a person will in fact lick your face!

I've learned to be proactive from the beginning. Once you enter their domain (your friend's house) - never make eye contact. Oh ya, and remove the beef jerky from your pocket!

Happy Friday!

Wendy Finch
Wendy@EasyCEU.com

Dogs are from Mars - Cats are from Venus!

The Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


The Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

This Week's Quotes...

""Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later.""
~Mary Bly~

Friday, September 11, 2009

I really don't want to drag out the "camping" story line, however, I feel a need to share with you it was ALL I expected and more!

It started to rain Friday night just as we were setting up camp. Rained the entire night - nice to listent to, not nice to wake up to damp bedding. I can not lie, I was sort of hoping for some more rain, but instead the entire day Saturday was just overcast. A long hike, wood gathering, and spending 3 hours on dinner that would have been cooked in 45 minutes in a real kitchen was the excitement for the day. As I lay on the air mattress for the second night I ask myself, 'how on earth did I get myself into this mess?" And then it starts....trickle, trickle, trickle. It started to rain, then pour, and then the skies literally opened!

By Sunday morning there was a small river running through the make shift kitchen, somebody made mention of packing up and I was the first out of the chair and tearing down the tent. Sending a silent prayer up to the heavens, I was back to civilzation by noon.

Appreciate the simple things in life....like dry beds with a real mattress!

Happy Friday!

Wendy Finch
Wendy@EasyCEU.com

A True Female Joke

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter what, for $20.00.... on one condition..."

Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....

"Clean my house."

The Storm

They were together in the house. Just the two of them.

It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.

She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance...and wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm.

Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out... She screamed...

He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms. He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back.

He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him. The storm raged on... They knew it was wrong... Their families would never understand...

So consumed were they in their FEAR that they heard no opening of doors...

just the faint click of a camera......

(Click here to reveal the picture)

This Week's Quotes...

"God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece"
~Author Unknown~
(Sorry guys, I couldn't resist!)